new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
How's work?
Spinning.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
