i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
