the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
