My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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