Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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