I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
