Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize