I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
