I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
