We won't sleep together?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
