I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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