i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
