i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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