i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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