sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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