I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
