This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
