someone owes me an orgasm
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
