4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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