Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
