her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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