How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk is not a location!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
