we're blogging at a bar
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
