i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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