We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
