Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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