i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You've changed since you got that strap on
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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