I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
