Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
