I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize