so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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