its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize