i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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