he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
