Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
