Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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