found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
