so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
