First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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