I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
