for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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