you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
