Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize