Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
