Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
