Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
