Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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