its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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