I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
