I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
please don't ironically join a cult
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