I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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