you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I enjoy the company of your penis
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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