the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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