I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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