Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
