I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
