I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need moral support for this bender
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
