rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
