went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
