No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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