How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
