you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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